reflections: with love, from banff

As I settle back into Toronto, I reflect with gratitude on my time in Banff. 

Pictured above: a shot of the mountains in Banff captured on 35mm film on the way into town (left), me and my dad (David Yee) captured by Brian Quirt on 35mm film (right)

I became aware of how self-conscious I’ve become in creative spaces: oh my god I’ve been so mentally ill and I’m so used to numbing it so it doesn’t crush me— living cities make it easy to distract myself. But given the time, space and freedom to just be really shone a light on a number of wounds I’ve been carrying: there were days I couldn’t get out of bed, by the second week I kind of stopped eating, I cried a lot. Seems unhinged but I’m realizing how badly I’ve needed to acknowledge how not okay I am: I’ve had some issues being honest about my experiences ever since I’ve learned how easy it is for mental illness to be weaponized against you, so. 

Pictured above: a backlit photo of Francis A Willey after our impromptu photoshoot together— we serendipitously connected and decided to shoot the day before he left (left); a smiling photo of Shara during our hike to the river before we took a handful of shrooms together— ended up crying in MacLab all evening after (middle); me and Derek Chan at our final farewell firepit (right)

At Banff, I really had to sit in that discomfort because there was nowhere else to go. And I think (?) I’m better off for it, who knows. I’ve been back for a week now and I think I’m still evolving from this experience. 

Pictured above: me and Sandy pictured smoking on a park bench after Trivia Night (left); longtime friends and collaborators-of-each-other Amanda Cordner and David di Giovanni who wrote the play that made me laugh the most (middle); Todd at the farewell fire pit, I surprised him on the day of my reading by telling him he would be playing every role in the script— to be fair I didn’t know he would either until like the day before (right)

Thank you to the Siminovitch Prize and Banff Centre for the Arts for the support and opportunity as I continue to deal with these growing pains. I got a sick new draft out of it along with many things to think about including my trajectory as an artist. And thank you to my friends, existing and new for sharing and holding this special place with me. 

Pictured above: captured on my way to my massage at the Banff Springs Hotel. My masseuse was a nice white boy who I think was afraid to break me, even though I booked a sports massage. The facilities were beautiful.