freewrite: he told me the houses were not on fire

Pictured above: Hanlan’s Point Beach, the last swim of the summer, 2022

He told me the houses were not on fire
But when the smoke cleared
The ashes and embers lay by my feet.

He told me the houses were not on fire
But the trees were roasted
Bald patches, missing pines on the evergreens
Reminded me of the thinning of his hair on his scalp
And I watched as night fell and felt the carbon monoxide fill into my lungs as the stars came to dot the sky
They dripped down to earth and tickled my spine

I felt my feet take me off the top of the rocks
And down a stream, the water called—
No it screamed—
For me
To dunk, submerge, to sink
In its caress
But I’m cautious, too wary, too sober
To trust it
To plunge into the frigid depths of its embrace
My body seizes at the thought,
Unable to withstand even the night time breeze
And yet
As the smell of scorched earth fills my nose
My heart knows there’s no where left to go
I dip my toes
My skin and my hair stand at alert as I slip through the surface and let her take me
When I come up for air, my lungs fill with oxygen and my eyes open up again
And I look back behind me and I see
The houses a raging inferno
Burning brightly
Being devoured
Casting a glow on his face
He stands, watching
As brick turns to dust
And frame turns to tinder.
I shiver, bending my knees, kicking my feet, trying not to freeze
I’m drifting further
And further
Pushing back against the current
With all of my effort to no avail

As I feel the heat kissing my cheek, fading
I realize
I’m tired of fighting
And I let go
I dissolve
From a pillar of salt
I fill the water with me
And I turn the lake into a sea

Il me dite que les maisons ne brûle pas
Alors je ne vais pas le sauver

This post was originally published on Instagram on October 17, 2022.