reflections: i needed a break
Pictured above: wideshot of a dipping pool at the top of a waterfall in Tobago (left); climbing out of the water because I can’t swim (right)
on burnout, breaks and unlearning:
I needed a break.
For years I’d gotten so used to working myself to burnout that I forgot that wasn’t normal. It was partly how I was raised. Growing up, my father had put me in extra curriculars to fill my schedule during evenings and over the weekends. In combination with extra curriculars I took on in school myself and homework, I did not have time for fun. If I did have a moment to spare, I’d be asked, why am I not practicing piano, or finding chores to do or asking what needs to be done? It made me feel guilty to even THINK about watching TV or asking to go see a friend. (A very common experience for children with tiger parents, I’m sure).
While it made me hardworking, diligent, and hyper-capable, it’s created a pattern into adulthood where I push hard to get through things so I can be onto the next without checking in on myself. I don’t stop to see how I’m doing throughout and by the end of it. At some point, something gives— I have a mental breakdown or something and it starts over. I’m burning out much quicker because I haven’t given myself time to reset. It’s not sustainable or healthy but I learned to accept it.
Pictured above: my favourite view (left); crab, pork, rice and peas, coleslaw, macaroni pie from Duck’s Seafood Cafe and Grill in Castara (right)
I decided to take a trip in between play workshops in Toronto. I’m nervous about these projects, I don’t know if I’m getting where I want to as quickly as I want with them because I’ve been too burnt out to buckle down and work on them until I’m scrambling to meet a deadline. I realized I’ll continue to fall short of the results I want the longer I keep this up. I won’t get anywhere if I’m out of commission.
Pictured above: Englishman’s Bay Beach (left); Englishman’s Bay at sunrise (middle); Nate about to hop into the water from our boat on Castara Beach (right)
It’s been six years since I’ve gone to a proper beach, and I’d been putting off booking a vacation for myself because it feels weird to— like I don’t have permission to take a break, and for a long time I didn’t. It’s another thing I’ve needed to unlearn.
I’m trying to find rest in smaller ways in my daily life. To be more intentional about taking breaks. And to let go of feeling the need to hustle all the time. I’m looking forward to the next one already, but I’m enjoying being in this moment.
Pictured above: waking up from my nap, captured by Nate
This post was originally published on Instagram on April 14, 2023.
