freewrite: it could’ve been you

Pictured above: Drunken bathroom selfie at Midnight Market, 2022 (left); mid-shift snack on film, 2023 (right)

It could’ve been you but I’m pretty sure it was me
Me you we
These days I have trouble remembering much of anything
I forget to breathe
To breed
Knead
Dough
Blow
Snow
Crow
Coke
I hope
To have a moment where I can stop
Slow down
Breathe
Spend some time with you
You
I remember you
You left me
Or maybe I left you
I don’t remember
It could’ve been me but I’m pretty sure it was you
It couldn’t have
What do you want?
What do you need?
What do you see when you look at me?
I’m like
Fucked
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Love
Fuck
Okay
Remember that time I was trying to stay up to do work
And you were like no, it’s time for bed
And you made us go to bed
And I was annoyed
But relieved
And I liked it, why did I like it?
I don’t like it when people tell me what to do
But you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Save me
Fuck you
Pay me
Fuck bitches
Get money
Is all I wanna do
We ain’t together but we fuck around
What else is there?
What do I want?
What do you want?
And why can’t I stop thinking about you?
Why can’t I say anything?
I feel the words at the tip of my tongue
When I’m lying next to you
I feel your hair in between my fingers
And I feel the urge to rip it out of your scalp
What the fuck is my problem?
I don’t know if it ever gets easier

This post was originally published on Instagram on February 11, 2021.